cleaning my room and listening to panic! like a 12 year old. i love my life atm. its going to snow. =[. FIT classes start tomorrow. hope there is a cute boy in my class. that would make my year complete. i want my heart to face me, not the world.
today i saw cancer, cigarettes, and shortness of breath in a girl who looked to be about 27 but had only been recycling air for just barely 16 years. her nicotine laced blood and breath seemed to remind me of my grandfather whose body decayed from the inside out, starting with the black hole in his chest someone might at one point might have called a heart, but i hadn’t been around long enough to see if it ever really existed. my mother claimed she wasn’t either because he had been addicted since such a young age of 3 or 4 with his father. At one point i had called this girl my best friend, but not since i saw her clutch that bottle similarly to that man who had made my childhood much different than most other kids. Or the way she light up her cancer stick with the zippo that was so similar to the one that man had dropped on his vodka saturated mattress and blood. I saw her future come into focus and her mistakes reflect his mistakes and destroying her children and her children’s and all those who fall in-between.
i talked to ashley without anyone else around. it made me happy. im so sick of the way everyone seems to be towards me. i am my own perosn and nothing like the person oyu think im going to become. I HATE THAT PERSON. i want to crawl into a hole and die sometimes just because i can’t even deal with myself anymore.